I’ll Never Be A Homemaker

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This post is going to be controversial. While I don’t have anything against homemakers, I have a hard time understand why anybody would want to be a homemaker. There I said it. I will probably alienate a part of my reader base, but I just don’t get it.

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Everyone seems to be having babies left and right. One of my college friends is having a baby. My sister in law dreams of being married and having kids. People at work get pregnant every minute. My youngest uncle, who is 10 years older than me, and his wife, who is only 6 years older than me, just had their second baby. Another cousin addition to the family! My mom is the oldest, and thus, I have a very young uncle. My uncle’s wife has been a homemaker since she married at age 24.  First of all, unlike my other aunts, I don’t really see her as an older figure. To me she is from my generation since we are only a few years apart. Hmm..I’m also only 1.3 years away from 24. When I first met her, I couldn’t relate to her joy of being a mom and wife; never wanting to be fulfilled professionally. She actually said she was glad she waited. I wanted to say “Girl, waiting until 24 to have a baby is not waiting!!!” I held my tongue.

This tends to be a very Hispanic trend. A girl is raised to worship motherhood and marriage, instead of fostering a career. Women who focus on their careers, choose to have kids later or if any, are looked down upon. While this is a generalization, and doesn’t mean everybody fits the stereotype, I see it more often than not. The husband is there to be a father and a main provider. Every time I meet someone and say I’m married, people immediately ask so when are the kids coming, especially my hispanic family. I always think uhhh…wth?

I’m not a hypocrite! I actually got married quite young, 21. I still consider myself a kid. But I’m educated, have almost 3 degrees, and a fresh career. I’m a kid in a suit.

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My mom grew up under this umbrella, and expected a rose pink reality. It didn’t happen to her due to certain rather not disclose circumstances, and I think she was, still is, unprepared to deal with the harsh reality. You see, homemakers, concentrate on their home, kids, and husband, and fail to develop their careers. In essence, this makes them financially dependent on their spouse.

I have a wonderful partnership with my husband, but I don’t think I could ever be financially dependent on him for a long period of time. During our first year of marriage, I was technically unemployed. I went to graduate school full time, and did not work. While I actually supported us 50% of the way through my scholarships and stipends, it did not seem like I was because I wasn’t actually working and bringing in a steady paycheck. Perception is everything Since I didn’t work, I was expected to do most of the housework and cooking. I quickly realized I did not enjoy doing any homemaker duties and did not like being so financially dependent. I like pulling my own weight and bragging about how I also bring home a paycheck. Maybe I’m biased, but I never ever want to be told I depend on him financially. I believe a partnership is 50/50. Thus, now we are both working and share household responsibilities mostly equally.

I’m a true believer in equality. While I’m not saying homemakers are not equal, I know moms work extremely hard taking care of the family and the home. Believe me I wouldn’t want the job! I have nannied before and just couldn’t do it full time.

I can’t leave my career to stay at home for years and years. It’s impossible to become an executive if you stay at home with your kids. While I am not power hungry enough to have no life, I know I want to be a top level executive, and right now no top level executives have ever taken off to stay at home. Nor do I want to.

Honestly, there are time I’m jealous of women who truly love being a homemaker. I see  my friends and family post awesome pictures of their kids and daily activities, and I start wondering. Actually, has anybody noticed all parents only post the good, rosy pictures? What about the times you want to runaway? Nobody every talks about those times and I know they exist! Are there moms who actually love their kids that much because according to my Facebook I think there are. Maybe I’m too pragmatic?

My husband and I have discussed this issue many a times, and he is the one who actually wants to be the stay at home dad. I am so NOT against his desire when we have kids. I’m actually so glad I found someone who doesn’t care about my weak motherly & wifely instincts.

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I want to be the badass mom who takes her kid to work :)

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I’ll never stop working. This doesn’t mean I will continue to work for the man. Maybe I’ll become an independent consultant or own my own business, but I will always want to work. I receive great satisfaction from working and being a member of society. To me taking care kids and my home would not meet my aspirations. I need a greater purpose in life. While many of say working in the corporate world is not exactly the purposeful life, I will counter and say I am just starting out. I want to do so many good things in the world that go beyond my fragmented little world. Yes, of course, my family is my priority, but they are always my priority. There is a greater purpose in life, and I plan to fulfill it.

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24 comments

  • It’s funny because I could never imagine getting married at 21! I think it’s a matter of what works for YOU! Now I’m 42 and have never been married and I really would like to be married. I never wanted kids though, but wouldn’t mind if someone I married already had them. It’s all about what works for you and your partner. When I was your age I thought the same thing about being a homemaker. But now that I’m 42 my big career aspirations have dissipated. I would always want to make my own money, but my idea the idea of “managing a home” doesn’t sound too terrible to me either. How I could ever balance the two I don’t know..maybe it has something to do with already working from home and really enjoying that aspect of freelancing. I don’t need to go to an office to be happy. Anyway, all these various aspects of living is what makes the world an interesting place.
    Budget and the Beach recently posted…What Beach Volleyball Taught Me About LifeMy Profile

    • We were/are still young, but nothing in our relationship has changed :) Well, it’s actually gotten better :)

      I think it all depends on who you are. I’m not promoting working in an office all day. I am promoting for women to keep their identity and find a way to grow their career. Look at Mrs. Rose :), Jeff Rose’s wife. She is not “only” a stay at home mom.

      Maybe I’ll change my mind, but it’s doubtful. I like working.

  • Amen to that. I personally don’t understand the whole housewife mentality. I think its great if that makes you happy but it is not for me. Maybe I will change my tune but probably not. I always tell my stay-at-home friends they need to have a back-up plan because you never know when the sh*t will hit the fan. I am also Hispanic and my family has pushed marriage before in the past on me. At this point though, they have basically kept quiet about it because they know its falling on deaf ears. Just do what makes you feel happy, Thats the only thing you can do in the end.
    Debt and the Girl recently posted…Not Being Foreign to Foreign CurrencyMy Profile

  • I used to think that way when I was younger. During my college years, I often looked down at women who stayed home, thinking that it was such a waste to let their education go “just” to be a mom. I felt really strongly about it too.
    Now, I can only hope that I have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, although I doubt I will because it’s so expensive to live here. I work in an office–how is what I do more important than raising my own children? Yes, I would still like to have grown up interaction, but to me, the idea of being able to raise my own children rather than having someone else do it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside! Yes, I obviously have “baby fever” 😛 Perhaps I’ll change my tune when we have kids.

    • Hah Oh Erika you do have baby fever!

      I don’t have baby fever, :), but I have never felt the want or need to stay at home and raise my children. Honestly, my mom will stay and raise the children until they go to school. Since I’m going to be helping her out financially, it’s best the daycare money go to her instead.

      I, also, do make a lot of income. Without my income, we would be pretty uncomfortable, and we would not be able to afford children. Granted my husband’s salary should increase in the futre, but still.

    • OMG, yes! Most of my girlfriends want to stay home with kids, yet most of them have advanced or conjoint degrees and are much more educated than me because of the fields they’re in. One just graduated med school and is getting married shortly – I really hope she will make good use of her education.

      You make a great point about needing adult interaction – I’m really not very good with kids at all and have little patience for them.
      eemusings recently posted…Paycheque frequency: what’s your preference?My Profile

      • I was actually quit surprise at how many pf blogger females want to stay at home with their kids.

        I have taken care of kids full time before. I was a nanny on too many occasions. While some people tell me it’s different because it hasn’t be my kids, I know I would feel better by working. I set the example to my kids that being both a mother and professional career woman is possible. Hopefully, I will pave the way for my kid (if it’s a girl) to not feel like it’s strange to not stay at home during the development period.

        Just because I won’t be a stay at home will not mean I won’t be contributing to their lives. On the contrary, I will be extremely involved! :)

  • If we have kids, I’d feel the need to stay home and care for them during the first couple years of their lives at least, but I’m pretty confident that I would try and turn side hustles into actual businesses while doing so. I enjoy the challenge of building something and know that I would want to incorporate that into my time so I didn’t feel like I was losing part of my identity by becoming a parent.
    Mrs. Pop @ Planting Our Pennies recently posted…Update To Gympact Review – Gympact AnywhereMy Profile

    • Quick question why would you feel the need?

      I find it’s getting harder and harder to see couple’s who can have the mom stay at home.

      If you had side hustles, you wouldn’t be just a stay at home mom.

      • Most of my friends are the same – they want to stay home for at least the first few years. There is the developmental case for that, though from my POV those also sound like the most boring years to stay home for…

        I don’t know, I really don’t. I veer between the two extremes on a regular basis. l do enjoy being able to maintain a tidy house, which to be honest only ever happens on the weekend and lasts a couple of days with us both working and being rather lazy during the week, and having the time to cook and bake. I’m also a bit of a workaholic.
        eemusings recently posted…Paycheque frequency: what’s your preference?My Profile

  • I am not your average story I had my son at 15 and proceeded to graduate high school a year early and obtain an associates degree after spending two years in the Air Force but I would give all my degrees and career experience to say I witnessed my child grow on my own and see his first steps rather than have my Mom call and tell me about them as I worked my shift before going to class. I have lived on my own with my son since I was 15, I’m 23 now and if I were to have another child I’d drop at least 20 hrs off my schedule but I would love to drop all 40 and work on more philanthropic adventures while raising my kids and helping the world. Sigh, one can dream.

    • Jessica, I understand. Did the father support you with your son? I think it’s important to have support. Like I discussed in my post, my husband would probably stay at home with the kids. He wants to, I don’t. Not because I don’t want to see his first steps, I just feel differently. Hard to explain, but it has to do a lot with my family history!

      • I was with his father for about the first 3 years of my son’s life and my family(Dad/Mom and his Mom) helped out watching my son while I went to school and worked nonetheless I still came home to cook,clean do laundry! I think being a homemaker can count as a job all on it’s own! Haha this time around my first husband(that I’m actually married to for a year now) is 10 years my senior and would love to be the house Dad but I can’t imagine still not being there at least most of the time now don’t get me wrong I will never picture myself not working/doing side hustles at all! A girl needs her own money too ya know! Cest la vie! LOL

        • Ahh yess… I don’t think cooking and cleaning will ever disappear.

          I hate doing those tasks but we are doing better about splitting up the cooking and cleaning :)

          My husband and I try to split activities 50/50 because when it all fell on me I was extremely unhappy. We are much happier now.

          Yes, a girl does need her own money!

  • Hi! I’m a few days late to comment, but I wanted to stop by and add my two cents. I really appreciate the honesty you’ve shared here. We don’t have kids yet, and I think it will be a few years before we’re ready. I struggle between thinking, “I would NEVER want to stay at home” and thinking “gosh, wouldn’t it be nice if I could focus exclusively on kids/home/etc.” I already work late hours. I don’t know if it would be possible for me to balance my current career with having a family.

    I doubt if I’ll ever be a stay-at-home mom. However, I truly admire those who are able to make the decision to have one spouse stay at home while still achieving their financial goals. My mom was a civil engineer before I was born. She was one of VERY few women in her field at that time. She had every intention to return to work, but changed her mind once I was born. My dad made and still makes a good salary, but he’s not a hedge fund investor or anything. I’ll always appreciate the sacrifices they made in order to do what they thought would be best for us. She found motherhood to be more fulfilling than her career. But again, everyone is different and needs to find the right balance — for them and their family — between work and home.

    • I agree with you that everybody has a different balance and what works for them does not necessarily work for others.

    • Savvyfinanciallatina

      I didn’t know you had commented! Thanks. I’m pretty open about my lack of enthusiasm for motherhood. I think everyone has their own idea of what they want for life. I have no problem with that! :)

      I think being a stay at home mom is a hard decision. I could never do it.

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